sleepless nights, panic attacks and what to make for dinner

For the last 3 nights Sophia goes to bed at about 2am-3am, gets up at 7am-8am, goes back down till about noon, then naps till around 3. I think she's getting her days and nights mixed up and I don't know how to fix it. It's really tough to stay up all day with her and then all night on and off too. She's been really whiny too, no fevers, no swollen gums I just don't know anymore.

To top it all off, when I got up today everything was fine. I did the dishes, and started cleaning the house while she napped. Travis got some time to himself to do whatever he wanted and I got a clean house (mostly clean anyway). When he left for work, I stuck Sophia in front of the TV for some SpongeBob and I jumped in the shower. After I got myself dressed and everything I started feeling... funny. So I decided to sit down-- and BOOM! Instant panic attack. I went into hysterics like only once before. Then Sophia had a meltdown because she could sense I wasn't ok but I literally couldn't pry myself up to get her I was crying and panicking so hard I could move so here we both sat bawling like never before. I tried to call my dad for some help (he lives the closest) but I got no answer so like in a car crash, I threw the wheel and just sat there bawling, hyperventilating and just listening to Sophia cry.... which in turn only made it worse. I finally got myself to stop hyperventilating and crawled over to her and just held her while we both cried..... real tears.

I don't know what happened. My brain is riddled with unpleasant images and thoughts. We're both okay now. Exhausted but okay... that was terrible.


I'm having a hard time lately trying to figure out things for dinner. I can't grocery shop because I don't know what to buy.


What a nasty day.

Nothing new but a "Milestone"

Our darling daughter has discovered her voice in full. Oh my goodness I don't know what to do. If the dog decides to play she screams. If the cat decides to show his face what so ever, she screams. If she sees herself in the mirror...... she screams. It's not the cute little baby screams anymore either. It's the high pitched, blood curdling, ear piercing so loud the neighbors can hear her behind closed doors kind of scream. It was funny at first but now.... I want to sell the animals and hide every mirror ever. And also break the glass in our bookshelf because she also sees herself in that and screams. It's pretty funny but also pretty painful.

Man. I love her.

Sometime before this summer I want to enroll her in a swim class. She LOVES bath time and screams when I take her out. She could care less about any bath toys she loves to splash and kick her feet. My mom has a pool and Travs mom lives on a lake so she'll be around water all the time. I just want her to know how to handle herself in the water-- even now, because I still don't know how to swim.

Outside of that nothing new. Trav's heart appointment is this Wednesday. Hopefully everything goes well!

Engagements. Weddings. Baby Showers. Trends.

When I was pregnant it seemed like EVERYONE was pregnant or trying. Now that I'm not pregnant.... everyone that wasn't pregnant when I was is. It's a funny little game. I love it.

I suppose now that I have started a family I tend to notice the trend of others starting theirs whether it's with a baby, a ring, or just a formal relationship. I'm tending a baby shower today and for the first time since I've had Sophia (dare I say it-- I vowed I never would) I wish we could do it all over again. I don't like the pregnancy part, emotions, getting huge, watching this alien poke it's hands, feet and butt out of your ever so stretched belly, and of course labor. But I miss the end result. Even though we had the neonatal nurse whisk Sophia away as soon as she was born just the first cry, the first sight of her, the first unsure smile at Travis that we've officially just pulled off the best thing the world has to offer... I don't know. I miss it. There's a lot that comes with a family, but I wouldn't change anything.

I've had PLENTY of people tell me we are going to Hell or we screwed up because we had Sophia out of wedlock, this that and the other. All I have said to them (this is much more kind) is bug off!! The way I see it is if you plan for a baby, you'll never have one. You'll never be financially ready for a child- that's not something you can plan for. And No. Sophia was not an accident both of us had a mutual decision to make her. Someday we will get married (I hope hope hope so anyway). Then we will have the same last names, we'll be an "official" family in their eyes. I feel pretty ballsy saying this but I know the people that have actually said that to me have said it based on their religion-- and that's totally fine but how do you know I believe what you do? You have to watch what you say and to whom you say it.

In the end, I just want to congratulate everyone that just got a ring, is having a baby, or anyone that's just found a special someone. It's a wonderful feeling so enjoy it to it's fullest.

Growing, growing... Gone!!

Sophia had her 6 month well child today. She is 16.5 pounds (55% for weight) and 28 inches (100% for height) with a 17 inch head (65%). Very tall, very average weight with a fairly big dome. She handled her shots well. Cried for the initial poke and got over it fairly fast.... it was awesome compared to how she usually handles it. I think it was because Daddy was there to make her smile. It seems like just yesterday she was a newborn 9 pounder. And it's nuts to think in 6 more months she'll be a year already. JEEZE.

Two more weeks till Trav's check up.
Just over a month till mine.
Great.

No new news. Hooray for Obama-rama. Change is on the way.

When life gets you down

Your family is there to catch you.

I spend so much time at home Cabin Fever is as common around here as dusting, dishes and diapers. I've learned though, whenever time stands still... to look at Sophia and more often than not she'll give me an ear to ear, gummy smile that can make the world stop.

I've noticed with so much time to "myself" (in quotes because we all know with a 6 month old you get zero 'me' time) that my mind is given many places to wander. It can range anywhere from: Travis is going to leave me for someone better to if I could buy new shoes, what color laces would I want? I can even manage to convince myself that things are going to happen 9 out of 10 times they are bad things too. Then I stop and think. Wow. This is not healthy!! I have a beautiful baby girl that needs me happy and healthy to care for her, my other half depends on me for help, support and happiness and I NEED both of them in my life to merely survive. I don't know if it was the pregnancy that changed me but ever since I've had Sophia I worry about things I never even gave a thought to before and stress out over every little thing that could go wrong.

I think when Spring arrives, things will be much better. I can't wait to get outside with no snow, to let Sophia crawl in the grass for the first time. To play fetch with Porkchop in the yard instead of through the house, maybe even let the cat out! Winter has a negative attitude with it's cold, bitter self and I'm seeing more and more how it pours into our everyday lives.

BOO WINTER!!

"My name is Penelope. I like to dance."

Yo Gabba Gabba is on!! I swear no matter where we're at in the house Sophia knows the theme song to this show and automatically starts to smile, laugh and squirm. She will stop and drop everything to watch this show- and she's only 6 months.
You can totally tell she's our kid because she's all about monsters.

There's not really news around here. I'm still trying to find a decent job (HA!) but still enjoying and feeling extremely fortunate to have time home with Sophia while she's this young. If finances weren't so tight I don't think I would mind being a stay at home mom. I have the tools and the skills to get her to learn what she needs up to Kindergarten, thanks to almost 5 years of teaching preschool at the daycare. As bittersweet as those 5 years were.

Everyone has doctor visits coming up.

Sophia has one next Tuesday, just her 6 month check up with shots. I'm very torn. At her 4 month check up they gave her the combine vaccine so she only had 2 shots but all 4 immunizations. I've done some research on the combination vaccines and there are a couple things in those shots that is supposedly linked to Autism and other things. I know the cause of Autism isn't known but I don't know that I want to subject her to something that COULD cause something like that... and we don't know the long term effects of these chemicals. I don't want her to have 4 shots given if she doesn't have to (trust me that's not an easy thing to watch and I'm sure it will NEVER get any easier) but at the same time, I'd rather her have 4 pokes than a life time with Autism.

Travis has an appointment in February with a Cardiologist. He has a Ventricular Septal Defect so every 4 to 6 years he needs to have the hole and the pressures in his heart checked to make sure everything is staying the same and not getting worse. Hopefully things are fine- I don't know why they wouldn't be but like everything--- better safe than sorry. I think it's been like 6 years anyway so he's due.

I have an appointment in March. At my 6 week checkup after having Sophia I had an abnormal Pap. My first one EVER so I was so scared. They called me on my birthday to tell me I had to go in right away for more tests but they wouldn't tell me why. NICE! So I went in that following Monday and they way the doc explained it to me is there are 5 stages before Cervical Cancer and I was at stage 4. Each stage has a seperate sub stage, if you will. 1 is not so bad. 2 is pretty bad. 3 is stepping on the toes of the next stage up. I had a Colposcopy done and they determined my Stage was stage 4 sub stage 2. So- I have to go back in March to have another test done to see if things are getting worse, staying the same, or getting better. My doctor told me my body can fight these cells off but it could take 5 years. In the mean time I have to be monitored every 6 months because if these cells get worse- we could have cancer on our hands. Now much like the rest of the world I was like... NAH slim to none chances of that happening. The doc told me it only took me 10 months to get to this stage so things are turning bad fast. GREAT!! THANKS DOC!! I'm just hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. I don't ever want to hear I can't have more kids. That would crush me big time.

That's all I have time for now. Yo Gabba Gabba is over and Sophia wants a bottle. :)
I'm sure to be back sooner or later.

Where to begin?

July 11th, 2008- 1:41pm, I gave birth to a 9lb. 6oz., 23.5 inch long baby girl. After 28 hours and 41 minutes of labor... Sophia Lynne Hill had made her long awaited arrival!! Only one day late.

I read all the things moms post about what their children say, or things they do, and new accomplishments and milestones they've reached and I really can't wait to do that. Tomorrow Sophia will be 6 months and we're still working on the whole sitting thing. She's close... but no cigar.

Just before Christmas she looked up at me and said "Mmmmmmmmmmama" and was so proud of herself. I was so happy I smiled from ear to ear and just started bawling. I couldn't control it... didn't really care to either. Naturally- she hasn't said it since, but she sure does say "Dada" ALL THE TIME.

I know there are so many firsts still ahead and I can't wait to embrace them all the way I embraced her and her "Dada" the day she was born. I'm not rushing it though. I've worked with kids for almost 5 years at the daycare and I know how fast it goes by.


I guess really, I just needed a place to rest my thoughts and share our accomplishments and just... vent about life whether good, bad, or ugly.
So- welcome!